Today is the last day in our house before the packers arrive.
I've woken up in my misty green bedroom for the last time.
Snuggle with my kids in my bed for the last time.
Made my last cup of coffee in the kitchen.
I will clean my house for the last time(although honestly moving to a 1800 sq. ft. house from this 2900 sq. ft. is going to be awesome in the realm of cleaning)
Last meals to be had, last giggles in the rooms we have called home for almost 9 years.
We are working on all the last touch ups and to do's before we hand over the keys. (We have a renter for the next 18 mths we will be gone)
I am hoping we come back. Pulling away on Tuesday will be a sad moment.
Nora is already crying daily about not leaving Georgia. Why can't daddy get work in Florida or Texas where her cousins are? Her last days have been filled with final playdates and goodbyes that the 5 year old heart cannot understand.
Rich and I are doing our best to keep going since we have not choice. I think the enormity of it all hits us at night before we go to bed and in our restless sleep.
This house has become part of hearts.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Being Sincere
I don't know if I read it somewhere or heard it at church, but there is a thought stuck in my head.
''Be sincere in your prayers and thoughts, God will make things happen.''
For five months we have had a diagnosis hanging over our heads, I must admit that in that time I questioned things and got mad at the world. I think Rich took over with the denial phase for me, he denied anything was wrong until we actually got an answer.
We had a conversation last week, where I told Rich that these last five months have taught me more about patience and letting control go than anything else in my life. I don't have time or the energy to dwell on negativity. I can't. On that day, I didn't know what my prognosis was but I did know that my time on earth might be shorter than expected.
I declared myself DONE with worrying my life away. My marriage and kids are the most important things, nothing else compares to that.
My thoughts went upward with a sincerity of hope. Someone or something give me hope and open that proverbial window. I was at peace over the weekend, not knowing. A voice inside me told me everything was going to be ok, to just hold on for the ride.
Note taken.
On Saturday we had a man from Connecticut walk through our house as a potential lease. We happened to be home but sequestered to the backyard doing chores while he toured the house. He came out and asked us questions and I just got the feeling of a truly honest person.
That day after he left, I stopped and sent up another wish. Please, please let him be the one to rent our house, he feels like a kind soul. And with that, the rest of the weekend unfolded perfectly into that last blissful moment of Sunday night.
Monday morning, Bonnie Jo called from the neurologists office. I didn't even hold my breath as she spoke the words, ''Your spinal tap is clear honey. We are referring you back to the hematologist for Hughes Syndrome.'' And the weight of the world seemed to come off my shoulders in that moment.
Yes, I'm still sick. Yes, I still have a mountain to climb but it's doable. This disease is treatable. I will still be able bodied mommy. All the fears of moving forward as a mom and wife were cut in half. Thank you, thank you to all those angels looking over me. Thank you for putting doctors in my path that cared with understanding hearts and believed in their patient.
One hour later we found out that the man from Connecticut was flying his wife down to make the final decision on the house. WOW! Our house was also his favorite according to the realtor.
I was home again when the wife came by. She is a kind and sweet soul that exuded warmth and a relatable momminess. I felt like we were old friends as she asked me questions about my home after touring it. An hour after she left, we got a call saying the couple had put an application in on the house.
Our prayers and hopes for the next stage of life have been answered.
''Be sincere in your prayers and thoughts, God will make things happen.''
For five months we have had a diagnosis hanging over our heads, I must admit that in that time I questioned things and got mad at the world. I think Rich took over with the denial phase for me, he denied anything was wrong until we actually got an answer.
We had a conversation last week, where I told Rich that these last five months have taught me more about patience and letting control go than anything else in my life. I don't have time or the energy to dwell on negativity. I can't. On that day, I didn't know what my prognosis was but I did know that my time on earth might be shorter than expected.
I declared myself DONE with worrying my life away. My marriage and kids are the most important things, nothing else compares to that.
My thoughts went upward with a sincerity of hope. Someone or something give me hope and open that proverbial window. I was at peace over the weekend, not knowing. A voice inside me told me everything was going to be ok, to just hold on for the ride.
Note taken.
On Saturday we had a man from Connecticut walk through our house as a potential lease. We happened to be home but sequestered to the backyard doing chores while he toured the house. He came out and asked us questions and I just got the feeling of a truly honest person.
That day after he left, I stopped and sent up another wish. Please, please let him be the one to rent our house, he feels like a kind soul. And with that, the rest of the weekend unfolded perfectly into that last blissful moment of Sunday night.
Monday morning, Bonnie Jo called from the neurologists office. I didn't even hold my breath as she spoke the words, ''Your spinal tap is clear honey. We are referring you back to the hematologist for Hughes Syndrome.'' And the weight of the world seemed to come off my shoulders in that moment.
Yes, I'm still sick. Yes, I still have a mountain to climb but it's doable. This disease is treatable. I will still be able bodied mommy. All the fears of moving forward as a mom and wife were cut in half. Thank you, thank you to all those angels looking over me. Thank you for putting doctors in my path that cared with understanding hearts and believed in their patient.
One hour later we found out that the man from Connecticut was flying his wife down to make the final decision on the house. WOW! Our house was also his favorite according to the realtor.
I was home again when the wife came by. She is a kind and sweet soul that exuded warmth and a relatable momminess. I felt like we were old friends as she asked me questions about my home after touring it. An hour after she left, we got a call saying the couple had put an application in on the house.
Our prayers and hopes for the next stage of life have been answered.
Friday, November 9, 2012
No News
I'm going to go with the old adage ''No news, is good news'' since I haven't heard from my neurologists office about the spinal tap results.
It leaves this weekend to solely focus on the last push of organizing and cleaning before the move. ALL the furniture not going to California will be in my in-laws basement. Minus a few nick nacks the pain of 'moving' will be over for us.
I spent the morning cleaning all the windows with Windex to work off my nervous energy. The cat, Loki followed me around basking in the sunlight and purring. Almost two hours later I was done, minus a half bottle of Windex and almost two rolls of paper towels.
Now I am sitting here relaxing. Taking the day off as I promised myself yesterday.
It's a good day.
It leaves this weekend to solely focus on the last push of organizing and cleaning before the move. ALL the furniture not going to California will be in my in-laws basement. Minus a few nick nacks the pain of 'moving' will be over for us.
I spent the morning cleaning all the windows with Windex to work off my nervous energy. The cat, Loki followed me around basking in the sunlight and purring. Almost two hours later I was done, minus a half bottle of Windex and almost two rolls of paper towels.
Now I am sitting here relaxing. Taking the day off as I promised myself yesterday.
It's a good day.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Lying Here Looking Up
It's not every day you get to view your world from a horizontal position.
All. Day. Long.
Yesterday was a challenge. It was spinal tap day, up early and to the hospital for what will hopefully be the LAST major medical test.
I found myself sublimely calm about this one, even Rich admitted that yesterday was the least stressful and emotionally taxing of the whole diagnosis ordeal. And by the way, he talked to a guy at work who's daughter in law was diagnosed with MS in 3 hours at Piedmont Hospital.....ummm, I've been doing this for almost 5 months. But at least I've learned some patience during that time.
All the doctors were female again which I tend to find comforting. So, I spent 2 hrs hooked up to a EKG and IV fluids to monitor me beforehand.
The procedure was in an xray room that I'm pretty sure I had my HSG procedure in almost exactly 6 yrs ago. I'll let you all look up HSG if you are curious what that is. Once again being in the same room, oddly comforting.
I had to lay on my stomach with my right leg out to make a '4', supposedly this opens the spinal gaps. Dr. Wendy, the physicians assistant walked me through the whole thing. REALLY cold betadine rubbed on my back three times. Bee sting like prick and burn with the numbing meds. I jumped both times she stabbed me.
Now time for the needle. Pressure, pressure and a small pop. ''We are in, you did great''. Take an xray of the needle placement.
Ok, we are going to tilt the table to help the spinal fluid flow out. Mechanical sounds and the table tilts to about 30 degrees. Dr. Wendy takes the first 2 cc sample...drip, drip into a little vial.
I lay there thinking that I have so many people watching over me during this. If this is MS, I have two aunts looking down on me, protecting me and blessing my journey. I know I have grandparents that are doing the same. I am blessed.
Procedure all done. ....16 cc's of spinal fluid. Rich tells me this is just short of a tablespoon. My math genius had to do the conversion. (Smile)
Lay on my back for another two hours to make sure I don't have excess bleeding. If I'm vertical too much in the next 24 hrs I could get a spinal headache, of which no meds will touch the pain of. Sounds awesome. I'm staying still, laying like broccoli, but Richard Gere is no where around....not the same. (If you don't get the reference, you aren't a chick)
Head home to become mommy immobilized for the rest of the day. Rich has to go to work for a telecon with the people in California.
Hmmmm. So here I am. Mommy on the floor. Ready to test how well behaved my children really are, how strongly are they under my thumb?
Lay on the toy room floor and play puzzles upside down, blocks, and cards. Send Nora to get diapers, juice, and snacks. Watch the kids pop all the balloons from Nora's party with a tooth pick. Fantastic entertainment for 10 minutes.
I've been told that I can only get up for 5 minutes every hour. Those 5 minutes better count! Bathroom, drink, snack....assume the plank position again. This would be easier if I actually FELT sick.
Should I count the splotches on my ceiling? Nah, can't be as fun as counting ceiling tiles in the MRI room.
Lay on our bed and watch movie with Nora while Trent naps. Doze in and out since nervousness woke me up at 4am. At this point, I'm pretty sure the achiness is from being horizontal all day and not moving. Ironic, since I normally hurt from moving around too much.
Oh look, wow that fan is dusty. I need to do something. Damn, the internet is down. This has got to be a sanity check. It sounded sort of fun at first, a day off. Now it's just torture.
Lay on the bean bag in the toy room and watch cartoons, do lacing cards and play airplanes with Trent. Talk to friends and family on my cellphone. Intermittently worry about the disaster my house is becoming in one day! Then forget about that when Trent snuggles in, ahhh content.
Daddy's home with dinner! He feeds the kids. Daddy has to do dishes. Mommy to the bedroom to lay on much comfy bed. Internet is back! Netflix to the rescue of my boredom. Daddy, plays with kids, baths them, and has to put them to bed. This is actually painful for me to watch and listen too, I want to help!!!
Go to sleep, tomorrow you get to walk around again.
And here I am this morning, up and sore, ordered to ''take it easy''. Today, I'm thankful to be mommy again. Blessed that I can help my kids and hold them.
All. Day. Long.
Yesterday was a challenge. It was spinal tap day, up early and to the hospital for what will hopefully be the LAST major medical test.
I found myself sublimely calm about this one, even Rich admitted that yesterday was the least stressful and emotionally taxing of the whole diagnosis ordeal. And by the way, he talked to a guy at work who's daughter in law was diagnosed with MS in 3 hours at Piedmont Hospital.....ummm, I've been doing this for almost 5 months. But at least I've learned some patience during that time.
All the doctors were female again which I tend to find comforting. So, I spent 2 hrs hooked up to a EKG and IV fluids to monitor me beforehand.
The procedure was in an xray room that I'm pretty sure I had my HSG procedure in almost exactly 6 yrs ago. I'll let you all look up HSG if you are curious what that is. Once again being in the same room, oddly comforting.
I had to lay on my stomach with my right leg out to make a '4', supposedly this opens the spinal gaps. Dr. Wendy, the physicians assistant walked me through the whole thing. REALLY cold betadine rubbed on my back three times. Bee sting like prick and burn with the numbing meds. I jumped both times she stabbed me.
Now time for the needle. Pressure, pressure and a small pop. ''We are in, you did great''. Take an xray of the needle placement.
Ok, we are going to tilt the table to help the spinal fluid flow out. Mechanical sounds and the table tilts to about 30 degrees. Dr. Wendy takes the first 2 cc sample...drip, drip into a little vial.
I lay there thinking that I have so many people watching over me during this. If this is MS, I have two aunts looking down on me, protecting me and blessing my journey. I know I have grandparents that are doing the same. I am blessed.
Procedure all done. ....16 cc's of spinal fluid. Rich tells me this is just short of a tablespoon. My math genius had to do the conversion. (Smile)
Lay on my back for another two hours to make sure I don't have excess bleeding. If I'm vertical too much in the next 24 hrs I could get a spinal headache, of which no meds will touch the pain of. Sounds awesome. I'm staying still, laying like broccoli, but Richard Gere is no where around....not the same. (If you don't get the reference, you aren't a chick)
Head home to become mommy immobilized for the rest of the day. Rich has to go to work for a telecon with the people in California.
Hmmmm. So here I am. Mommy on the floor. Ready to test how well behaved my children really are, how strongly are they under my thumb?
Lay on the toy room floor and play puzzles upside down, blocks, and cards. Send Nora to get diapers, juice, and snacks. Watch the kids pop all the balloons from Nora's party with a tooth pick. Fantastic entertainment for 10 minutes.
I've been told that I can only get up for 5 minutes every hour. Those 5 minutes better count! Bathroom, drink, snack....assume the plank position again. This would be easier if I actually FELT sick.
Should I count the splotches on my ceiling? Nah, can't be as fun as counting ceiling tiles in the MRI room.
Lay on our bed and watch movie with Nora while Trent naps. Doze in and out since nervousness woke me up at 4am. At this point, I'm pretty sure the achiness is from being horizontal all day and not moving. Ironic, since I normally hurt from moving around too much.
Oh look, wow that fan is dusty. I need to do something. Damn, the internet is down. This has got to be a sanity check. It sounded sort of fun at first, a day off. Now it's just torture.
Lay on the bean bag in the toy room and watch cartoons, do lacing cards and play airplanes with Trent. Talk to friends and family on my cellphone. Intermittently worry about the disaster my house is becoming in one day! Then forget about that when Trent snuggles in, ahhh content.
Daddy's home with dinner! He feeds the kids. Daddy has to do dishes. Mommy to the bedroom to lay on much comfy bed. Internet is back! Netflix to the rescue of my boredom. Daddy, plays with kids, baths them, and has to put them to bed. This is actually painful for me to watch and listen too, I want to help!!!
Go to sleep, tomorrow you get to walk around again.
And here I am this morning, up and sore, ordered to ''take it easy''. Today, I'm thankful to be mommy again. Blessed that I can help my kids and hold them.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Thankfully Reminded
I apologize for the blog taking a turn into my diagnosis and thoughts for a while, but I need to process all of this.
This week, I am reminded to be thankful.
Thankful that whatever this is, while serious is not eminently life threatening. I am praying for a young mother and friend in my home town. She is 5 mths pregnant with her third child and was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My battle feels small next to the mountain she will have to climb.
Thankful for two kiddos that understand mommy is tired and needs to rest. Snuggled against me and half on top of me they watched a movie in our bedroom while mommy dozed. There is something so calming about your kiddos snuggled into you on a windy day.
Thankful for a night out with old friends filled with laughter before we leave on this grand adventure. They helped me remember all the crazy things we have done in the last 11 years.
Thankful for modern medicine. Even though this is scary at times we a blessed to be in a country where I can be treated.
I am mostly thankful for my husband, family and friends that keep encouraging me to move forward. My sister says, ''you are a priority, do not forget that''. So easy to forget when raising children, and so easy to think of it as being selfish. Lesson, I need to chose when to be selfish for my health, rest, take meds, so I can be unselfish and giving of myself with renewed energy and better health.
This week, I am reminded to be thankful.
Thankful that whatever this is, while serious is not eminently life threatening. I am praying for a young mother and friend in my home town. She is 5 mths pregnant with her third child and was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My battle feels small next to the mountain she will have to climb.
Thankful for two kiddos that understand mommy is tired and needs to rest. Snuggled against me and half on top of me they watched a movie in our bedroom while mommy dozed. There is something so calming about your kiddos snuggled into you on a windy day.
Thankful for a night out with old friends filled with laughter before we leave on this grand adventure. They helped me remember all the crazy things we have done in the last 11 years.
Thankful for modern medicine. Even though this is scary at times we a blessed to be in a country where I can be treated.
I am mostly thankful for my husband, family and friends that keep encouraging me to move forward. My sister says, ''you are a priority, do not forget that''. So easy to forget when raising children, and so easy to think of it as being selfish. Lesson, I need to chose when to be selfish for my health, rest, take meds, so I can be unselfish and giving of myself with renewed energy and better health.
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