The Holes in My Head

There is still no final diagnosis for what is going on with me, but there are a few things we do know about my noggin.

Under MRI imaging, I have 10 small hyperintensities of an unknown cause that are not concordant with my age.  The hyperintensities are areas of cell degradation and tissue damage, just to clarify.  These are mostly seen in the elderly, people with migraines, or some neurological issue. Ok, fine I can deal with that.

Rich and I are not good with serious topics, we tend to crack jokes to break the tension.  And while this may all be serious, I can't focus on that.  The what ifs will drive you crazy and some days I already feel crazy enough.

I like to imagine that the ten spots make some fabulous connect the dots puzzle or constellation, just to keep the radiologist amused while viewing my scans.  Because wouldn't it be awesome to have a star map in your head? (I have not actually seen the pictures from the MRI)

In the moments, when I realize that the holes have stolen a thought from me or made it hard to find conversational vocabulary I have to see some humor in the situation.  As you can imagine, frustration at my inability to articulate builds.  Ironically, while talking to a friend yesterday, I couldn't bring to mind the word ''troubleshooting''.

Problem is.  No one seems to be at the help desk some days.  Those are the bad days when I have horrible mood swings feeling frustrated.  Thankfully, I have a husband who realizes when I need a minute to myself.  He clears out the kids so I can relax.  The more stress I feel, the more problems I have.

There are moments when I've been listening to Rich and typing in instant messenger, having transcribed my verbal conversation onto the screen.  Look down to see ''Amanda, have you lost your mind.  What was that about?''  referring the above comment.

 For a long time before I went to the doctor, I thought I was imagining things.  I was just busy.  Just anxious. Just tired.  Just being a mommy.

Nope, I just have holes in my head.

It's a veritable black hole as far as short term memory goes.  We now laugh at how many times I have to remind myself to pay bills or call someone.  If I havn't called you back or promised to do something and forgot, I swear it is not on purpose or mean spirited.

While I'm anxious to get into the neuro to get a possible answer, I've started to embrace all of this as my new normal.   Just a few holes in my head.