Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the scene in Neverending Story when the big rock creature starts talking....''these hands, these hands, used to be so strong.'' He has this confusion about how they could have failed him.
I understand this.
For a couple years now, I've noticed a clumsiness when grabbing things. Either I miss judge a distance and end up knocking things over or I go to put something down my hands seem to let go before I want to. Many, many cups of coffee have been spilled and/or broken in this way. I always credited it with sleep deprivation after having Trent almost two years ago, but that's not such an issue these days.
Then came me being tired every afternoon, no matter how much sleep I get.
After that was the depression and anxiety of last year which came out of no where.
And now, there is a weakness in my legs and arms. I can only describe it as the feeling after a really big workout when muscle fatigue has set in. If I vacuum, my biceps feel it, if I go up the stairs my thighs and calves are aching at the top.
Something is definitely going on. We have multiple sclerosis(MS) on both sides of the family so if I were a betting person that is where I'd place my money.
Oddly, we are calm about this.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The Do Over
I'm angry right now.
A situation has gotten under my skin and I can't let it go.
To hear another adult express the statement of 'I'm too old to care about what they think of me. I'm done.'' is hurting me.
I didn't cause this pain but someone I know did.
Everything in me wants to ask, why? Why do you have to act so entitled and icy. Icy to the point that this person has noticed and made comment several times in recent years.
I feel like I need to apologize for the behavior. Because I know I was taught better, and now I feel guilty by association. Fact is, you were taught better too.
I understand in some ways. Not being able to mask envy or jealousy. I get it. I've been there. There have been times when I wish for a do-over.
I wish I could tell my younger self to stop being so damn stubborn. To let go, because I was only losing friends through my willfulness. There is a whole group of college friends that are gone because I was blind at the time. What I fought for wasn't that important in the long run....not more important than friends.
It's the proverbial burning of the bridge.
You need to listen. The war you are engaging in will cost you more than you shall gain. SO much more to lose. This battle is eating you alive. It is stealing happiness from your life, from my life.
And I don't want to hear excuses or apologies. I don't want flimsy emails filled with half-hearted reasoning and tales of woe. I'm old enough now to have experienced some of that myself. Life is a roller coaster, we all have our valleys.
Dust off the jealousy, anger and resentment....and MOVE ON.
The person you hurt. That person. Is someone I've grown to love dearly. They have lifted me up at my lowest point and held me. Given words of assurance. They gift laughter and love to this family with no strings attached, no expectations.
Put it in your mind that this is a DO OVER. Take the mulligan. And try.
To hear another adult express the statement of 'I'm too old to care about what they think of me. I'm done.'' is hurting me.
I didn't cause this pain but someone I know did.
Everything in me wants to ask, why? Why do you have to act so entitled and icy. Icy to the point that this person has noticed and made comment several times in recent years.
I feel like I need to apologize for the behavior. Because I know I was taught better, and now I feel guilty by association. Fact is, you were taught better too.
I understand in some ways. Not being able to mask envy or jealousy. I get it. I've been there. There have been times when I wish for a do-over.
I wish I could tell my younger self to stop being so damn stubborn. To let go, because I was only losing friends through my willfulness. There is a whole group of college friends that are gone because I was blind at the time. What I fought for wasn't that important in the long run....not more important than friends.
It's the proverbial burning of the bridge.
You need to listen. The war you are engaging in will cost you more than you shall gain. SO much more to lose. This battle is eating you alive. It is stealing happiness from your life, from my life.
And I don't want to hear excuses or apologies. I don't want flimsy emails filled with half-hearted reasoning and tales of woe. I'm old enough now to have experienced some of that myself. Life is a roller coaster, we all have our valleys.
Dust off the jealousy, anger and resentment....and MOVE ON.
The person you hurt. That person. Is someone I've grown to love dearly. They have lifted me up at my lowest point and held me. Given words of assurance. They gift laughter and love to this family with no strings attached, no expectations.
Put it in your mind that this is a DO OVER. Take the mulligan. And try.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bang!
oh dear Moses!
We are having the siding replaced on two sides of the house this week. This house is a champ at maintaining and proving its' nickname ''The Money Pit'' Ugh! Add this to the list of things that are not fun to use a tax return.
This crew is working through some nasty wind, with gusts up to 30mph, they are balancing on ladders in the air! The idea of that is just terrifying to me. The men are great entertainment for the children.
Trent runs around the house yelling BAng BAng BAng! He has always loved hammers and has recently found the love of his toy saws. Maybe he'll build houses like my Bepaw.
Rich and I are enjoying the large construction dumpster on the driveway. Awesome garage cleanout happening. And since we cut the 140' of holly hedge last weekend, all that is going away as well. NO endless hours filling leaf bags with spiney branches.
I'm hoping the stone I bartered a landscaper for will arrive this week. The weekend looks like it's going to be beautiful weather. Last Saturday, we spent 8 hrs pulling weeds in the yard. My hands hurt!
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