There is still no final diagnosis for what is going on with me, but there are a few things we do know about my noggin.
Under MRI imaging, I have 10 small hyperintensities of an unknown cause that are not concordant with my age. The hyperintensities are areas of cell degradation and tissue damage, just to clarify. These are mostly seen in the elderly, people with migraines, or some neurological issue. Ok, fine I can deal with that.
Rich and I are not good with serious topics, we tend to crack jokes to break the tension. And while this may all be serious, I can't focus on that. The what ifs will drive you crazy and some days I already feel crazy enough.
I like to imagine that the ten spots make some fabulous connect the dots puzzle or constellation, just to keep the radiologist amused while viewing my scans. Because wouldn't it be awesome to have a star map in your head? (I have not actually seen the pictures from the MRI)
In the moments, when I realize that the holes have stolen a thought from me or made it hard to find conversational vocabulary I have to see some humor in the situation. As you can imagine, frustration at my inability to articulate builds. Ironically, while talking to a friend yesterday, I couldn't bring to mind the word ''troubleshooting''.
Problem is. No one seems to be at the help desk some days. Those are the bad days when I have horrible mood swings feeling frustrated. Thankfully, I have a husband who realizes when I need a minute to myself. He clears out the kids so I can relax. The more stress I feel, the more problems I have.
There are moments when I've been listening to Rich and typing in instant messenger, having transcribed my verbal conversation onto the screen. Look down to see ''Amanda, have you lost your mind. What was that about?'' referring the above comment.
For a long time before I went to the doctor, I thought I was imagining things. I was just busy. Just anxious. Just tired. Just being a mommy.
Nope, I just have holes in my head.
It's a veritable black hole as far as short term memory goes. We now laugh at how many times I have to remind myself to pay bills or call someone. If I havn't called you back or promised to do something and forgot, I swear it is not on purpose or mean spirited.
While I'm anxious to get into the neuro to get a possible answer, I've started to embrace all of this as my new normal. Just a few holes in my head.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sometimes God has a sense of humor.
In one of the most stressful times of our marriage, He has made us laugh with irony. We had put the idea on the backburner, pie in the sky dream that it was.
Back in April, Rich came home one night and said, 'So, you want to move to California?' To which I completely laughed. In the last 5 years, we have been approached about relocation to, Fredericksburg, VA, Asheville, NC, and Charleston, SC. All of which came to no fruition and fizzled. ''What the heck hon, say yes. It will never happen anyway!''
We went through two months of human resources telling Rich....'let's meet on Monday about the details' for the meetings to be cancelled. The weekends were filled with what if scenarios and daydreaming that both excited and scared us.
And now we've been told a date that Rich MUST be out there. No one get to excited about all this and start the presses. There are so many details that have to be right with finances, housing, and all the moving logistics. We may still say no if the salary and moving package isnt' what we want.
There are so many big decisions and information to absorb right now. Have to trust that there is a reason or plan for all this.
In one of the most stressful times of our marriage, He has made us laugh with irony. We had put the idea on the backburner, pie in the sky dream that it was.
Back in April, Rich came home one night and said, 'So, you want to move to California?' To which I completely laughed. In the last 5 years, we have been approached about relocation to, Fredericksburg, VA, Asheville, NC, and Charleston, SC. All of which came to no fruition and fizzled. ''What the heck hon, say yes. It will never happen anyway!''
We went through two months of human resources telling Rich....'let's meet on Monday about the details' for the meetings to be cancelled. The weekends were filled with what if scenarios and daydreaming that both excited and scared us.
And now we've been told a date that Rich MUST be out there. No one get to excited about all this and start the presses. There are so many details that have to be right with finances, housing, and all the moving logistics. We may still say no if the salary and moving package isnt' what we want.
There are so many big decisions and information to absorb right now. Have to trust that there is a reason or plan for all this.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
That Sucked
I would rather be poked or zapped!
The MRI is not a test for me, my anxiety or claustrophobia.
I was doing so well. Laying there listening to rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm. Little ticking noises at my head. My head that was immobilized with a cage around it! The Man in the Iron Mask kept coming to mind to my small amusement.
Sometime during the third series of pictures the technician came in to tell me, 'Hey, based on your family history of MS the radiologist wants to do the contrast.' Until that moment I'd kept it together, and then it got all to real. This was really happening. I could really have a serious, life changing disease.
Cue crazy snowball of worry to start rolling down the hill.
''Ummmm, hi!!!!!! Are you there? Are we almost done with this one?'' I was half way through set four when the guy had to come in to talk to me.
''You ok?''
''Not really, are we almost done I'm having a panic attack....or at least the start of one.''
''You have 1 minute left on this one, then we can take a break.''
(rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm. ticky ticky ticky tat, hmmmmmmm)
DONE!
Oh thank God. Get me out of this thing! I needed a mental break.
''I'm sorry. I have anxiety and claustrophobia and it has gotten to me. Can I take a break?''
''Sure.''
''Can I sit up?''
''No, the picture build on each other so if we move you right now we'd have to start over.''
''Ok, do I have to do the contrast today? Can I come back with someone to hold my hand and calm me? I usually take Xanex for this nerve racking stuff but had to drive myself.''
''Sure. You can come back. We don't want to stress you out this much.''
At this point a few tears were rolling down the sides of my face from the stress. Lord knows, I've been putting on the brave face for weeks now. The MRI is the culmination of the tests. The LAST one. And it's intimidating to be immobilized and helpless. Giving a vial of blood doesn't make me feel helpless, but this one hit the core of me. That vulnerable spot.
As the technician said, ''We have your brave meter turned up really high today.'' High? Yeah, that meter is about to break a coil from straining at the 'high' reading level.
''There is one more set, can you do it? I'll be right in there. They don't pay me near enough to watch people be tortured.'' as he squeezed my hand. God Bless this man for his bedside manner.
I got through that last set by shear will.
The good news. The radiologist may determine that I don't need the contrast tests and corresponding MRI based on what was already taken.
If I do, my husband will be there with me as I take that final round of scans. He held my hand on our wedding day and rubbed my thumbs to calm me during our vows, I know he will do it again to see me through.
The MRI is not a test for me, my anxiety or claustrophobia.
I was doing so well. Laying there listening to rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm. Little ticking noises at my head. My head that was immobilized with a cage around it! The Man in the Iron Mask kept coming to mind to my small amusement.
Sometime during the third series of pictures the technician came in to tell me, 'Hey, based on your family history of MS the radiologist wants to do the contrast.' Until that moment I'd kept it together, and then it got all to real. This was really happening. I could really have a serious, life changing disease.
Cue crazy snowball of worry to start rolling down the hill.
''Ummmm, hi!!!!!! Are you there? Are we almost done with this one?'' I was half way through set four when the guy had to come in to talk to me.
''You ok?''
''Not really, are we almost done I'm having a panic attack....or at least the start of one.''
''You have 1 minute left on this one, then we can take a break.''
(rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm. ticky ticky ticky tat, hmmmmmmm)
DONE!
Oh thank God. Get me out of this thing! I needed a mental break.
''I'm sorry. I have anxiety and claustrophobia and it has gotten to me. Can I take a break?''
''Sure.''
''Can I sit up?''
''No, the picture build on each other so if we move you right now we'd have to start over.''
''Ok, do I have to do the contrast today? Can I come back with someone to hold my hand and calm me? I usually take Xanex for this nerve racking stuff but had to drive myself.''
''Sure. You can come back. We don't want to stress you out this much.''
At this point a few tears were rolling down the sides of my face from the stress. Lord knows, I've been putting on the brave face for weeks now. The MRI is the culmination of the tests. The LAST one. And it's intimidating to be immobilized and helpless. Giving a vial of blood doesn't make me feel helpless, but this one hit the core of me. That vulnerable spot.
As the technician said, ''We have your brave meter turned up really high today.'' High? Yeah, that meter is about to break a coil from straining at the 'high' reading level.
''There is one more set, can you do it? I'll be right in there. They don't pay me near enough to watch people be tortured.'' as he squeezed my hand. God Bless this man for his bedside manner.
I got through that last set by shear will.
The good news. The radiologist may determine that I don't need the contrast tests and corresponding MRI based on what was already taken.
If I do, my husband will be there with me as I take that final round of scans. He held my hand on our wedding day and rubbed my thumbs to calm me during our vows, I know he will do it again to see me through.
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