That Sucked

I would rather be poked or zapped!

The MRI is not a test for me, my anxiety or claustrophobia.

I was doing so well.  Laying there listening to rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm.  Little ticking noises at my head.  My head that was immobilized with a cage around it!  The Man in the Iron Mask kept coming to mind to my small amusement.

Sometime during the third series of pictures the technician came in to tell me, 'Hey, based on your family history of MS the radiologist wants to do the contrast.'  Until that moment I'd kept it together, and then it got all to real.  This was really happening.  I could really have a serious, life changing disease.

Cue crazy snowball of worry to start rolling down the hill.

''Ummmm, hi!!!!!!  Are you there?  Are we almost done with this one?''  I was half way through set four when the guy had to come in to talk to me.

''You ok?''

''Not really, are we almost done I'm having a panic attack....or at least the start of one.''

''You have 1 minute left on this one, then we can take a break.''

(rat tat tat rat tat tat boommmmmmm.  ticky ticky ticky tat, hmmmmmmm)

DONE!

Oh thank God.  Get me out of this thing!  I needed a mental break.

''I'm sorry.  I have anxiety and claustrophobia and it has gotten to me.  Can I take a break?''

''Sure.''

''Can I sit up?''

''No, the picture build on each other so if we move you right now we'd have to start over.''

''Ok, do I have to do the contrast today?  Can I come back with someone to hold my hand and calm me?  I usually take Xanex for this nerve racking stuff but had to drive myself.''

''Sure.  You can come back.  We don't want to stress you out this much.''

At this point a few tears were rolling down the sides of my face from the stress.  Lord knows, I've been putting on the brave face for weeks now.  The MRI is the culmination of the tests.  The LAST one.  And it's intimidating to be immobilized and helpless.  Giving a vial of blood doesn't make me feel helpless, but this one hit the core of me.  That vulnerable spot.

As the technician said,  ''We have your brave meter turned up really high today.''  High?  Yeah, that meter is about to break a coil from straining at the 'high' reading level.

''There is one more set, can you do it?  I'll be right in there.  They don't pay me near enough to watch people be tortured.'' as he squeezed my hand.  God Bless this man for his bedside manner.

I got through that last set by shear will.

The good news.  The radiologist may determine that I don't need the contrast tests and corresponding MRI based on what was already taken.

If I do, my husband will be there with me as I take that final round of scans.  He held my hand on our wedding day and rubbed my thumbs to calm me during our vows, I know he will do it again to see me through.