Ugh...So the whole anxiety attack thing happened again last weekend. NOT nearly as bad as the previous two times. As Rich says, I was functional this time, could get stuff done, just really zoned out. Hooray for that.
It was like clockwork, 30 days from the last time. Needless to say we have decided to go seek the advice of my OB since at this point I'm pretty convinced the 'crazy' times are hormonally driven.
There is sadness, anger, resolution, then the happy comes back. So much like the grieving process. With each venture into my past or brain comes an explosion of 'ah ha!' moments. The moments are random....ways I've disappointed myself, expectations I've set, fears I have....one by one Ann and I are checking them off the list.
Ann asked me several questions this week or made commentary on her observations. (Until now she had been just listening a lot)
What do I like to do?
Some of the most content artists love their work and don't care what other people think. (I have to deal with clients, that could hate what I draw)
It sounds like I'm a square peg, trying to fit into a round hole. ( A little cliche, but to use another one...I'm the black sheep of the family so this makes sense)
Your path in life can not be your parents. Do you have to be as successful to be happy with yourself. How do you measure YOUR happiness.
That last one made the most sense to me. When I posted 'Big Shoes in a Small Town' I was coming around the bend to this thought.
I left yesterday's session with a lot on my mind about a different path. How I could make it my own, do something completely different than anyone else in the family. Creativity and artist define me the best.
My mom has often encouraged me to paint murals, or pictures for people.
I love sewing baby things, curtains, bedspreads.
Rich says I could write a cookbook because he thinks I rock in the kitchen.
I like writing and reading a LOT.
Photos...oh how I love taking photos.
The other path is somewhere in the list and it's moving me toward a break. I'm trying fork off the family tree, trying to be a different cultivar, but take the best of my parentage with me.
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