Is it Even Possible

I didn't think it was possible.

To go deeper, lower. But apparently it is.

Is it possible to dehydrate yourself through crying?

This place I'm at is so vulnerable, so unknown to me. I have never been an emotional, weepy female. Always taught to suck it up, move on, don't let people see you are hurt. So to find myself falling apart sobbing 10 times a day is terrifying.

How is it even possible to bottle this much pain up and not know it?

Stuffing, stuffing, stuffing it down until it explodes like Mount Vesuvius. You look around and your world feels like it's in ashes.

Some where in all this you realize that you couldn't love your husband more.

For letting him hold you, be vulnerable, snot all over his tshirt, release every self doubt and fear into his ears. And he's still there. Telling you he loves you.

I do believe it is possible to come out of this stronger. But there are moments when I'm sitting in the ashes looking up to God with the most fervent prayers.

Dear God, heal me, make me strong enough to walk through this, make me strong enough to let go, help make me whole. Please let my family know I love them, protect my children through this stressful time. I can not do this alone.