Big Shoes in a Small Town

I grew up in a small town(25k people) between San Antonio and Austin. The family joke has always been we settled there in 1845 and never left. It seems most close and extended family members get drawn back home.

I think a lot about home. What it means. The WHY of the urge to move back.

Most of the why is for family. The closest friends I have from growing up live near home. There's the part of me that misses the people who really know me. A positive.

Then there's the uglier part of the positive. The expectations that come with everyone knowing your name. My maiden name is synonymous with the ideas of ground breakers, history makers, socialites, and honors. Moms maiden name is also well known for the same reasons.

Ann and I talked about the pressures of expectation several weeks back. This drive in me that says I have to BE somebody, BE important to succeed and not in the normal way. Based on the family's path forging new business, selling large land deals, surveying the state of Texas, arguing in the Capitol for a bill, being friends with a future president...those are some of the benchmarks for success.

When I went to college at Texas Tech, it was to get away from all the people that bullied me in high school. The pressures followed though. Make good grades, be involved as a pillar of the university..make a mark. I conformed. Graduated valedictorian. Was a college recruiter. Secretary, Vice-president, and president of my business sorority.

Do, do do...go, go go. Shape up, act like the rest of society. Come out of my shell.

I escaped again. Moved to Atlanta. To make a name for myself. Not get handed a job because of who my family was. Now ten years later I don't know exactly what my name means anymore or what I truly want to do with life. (other than being a wife and mom) You can't exactly be well-known in a town of 4 million people, like you could in a town that's now 40k people.

The contradiction in my childhood expectations and the introvert personality is a trigger. If I'm only extroverted when surrounded by family and friends, and the 'innie' in me wants to hide....

How do I fill big shoes, in a quiet way?